the past few weeks have been tough for me. i felt i have endured alot of shit at work but thank goodness there were alot of helpful and close friends who have supported me all the way. much appreciated. but i'm keeping so much things inside me till i am feeling so 纳闷 and imbalanced and i feel that i will explode if i dun say them out. so bear with my rant or else stop reading this post from the point onwards.

the 929 study really getting me into alot of troubles. and i guess most of the people ard me noe how badly i was affected by it... psychologically, spiritually, mentally etc. i almost went amok when that witch came and told me n that crap rec*uitment head that almighty big boss wants to mark down our performance for the year because of that crap study. seriously, i was baffled by her action at that point of time cos sto be fair to me, the 烂 test results was something beyond my control. it was due to (1) rec*uitment unable to find people (2) we were forced to take in cmi volunteers (3) the nurses din give a damn about running the timepoint (4) the PI couldnt give a damn about the study (5) the equipment sux. i 守好本份... cleaned my data diligently, prepared charts and spreadsheets for the review meetings, was physically present to jargar the study (coming in early, going home late) and even when i down with flu, i woke up at 2am just to randomise and prepare activity log for the subjects. i put in so much effort for each and every of my protocols, yet i ended up with so many shit and unfair criticisms. mark my entire yr's effort down just because of something that is beyond my call?! that witch told us that out MD is trying v hard to fight for us. i was sceptical about it. most prob they will push us to die and save their own arse instead.

den we had a telecon with the almighty big boss where everyone of us got reprimanded and were told that the loss incurred by the study will be charged to us instead… meaning no bonus in apr. we had lots of telecons later with the study team… having to apologize to them and strategise how to move ahead. by this time everyone involved in both sides already v 不爽 liao… still have to act like v polite. n us…being at fault, have to be lagi polite to prevent any further backslash. that period of time was really bad. den i was feeling so crap and 不平 I actually ignored hock cos i think he as the PI, could have actually prevented the whole episode. at that point of time, I really desired to leave the unit asap for good (went for 1 interview but flunk it thou). i really have never felt so 冤枉 in my life before. den 1 day, i happen to have a good tok with wise man lee. he told me to take things positively and since things have already happened, to learn from it. den he said I was penalized by big boss cos I also have a part to play in the failure. i could have been more firm with the heads and shout out if things are not going well. I agree with him. so I ‘ungraciously’ admit my mistake and hope to turn things round. the uk counterparts keep 为难us but we did out best to help them restart the study. oh… I think Englishmen are v unforgiving people. at least tt was something I had learnt in this failure.

the new machines came in last week and I have to thank pb and kev for helping with the purchase and installation. but at this point of time, I feel I already quite 心灰意冷 about the unit liao. quite obvious la… I have been going to work v late… ard 920am.. nv before in history. even my close kolics commented… ask y I so quiet lately, n even come to work later than my HR (benchmark for lateness lol). I have done a lot of reflections lately and was (1) quite glad I din get the A* job cos I will still be paid the bachelor rate (2) the job involves educating people which I simple sux in (3) my lunch kakis are really v v v supportive of me in turning over the study (4) i made the decision to leave in a fit of anger and i was not prepared to leave my comfort zone now (5) get my bonus (if any) in apr! (6) there is still something in the unit I cant bear to let go.

so my plans now are to (1) lie low and bo chap about everything (2) concentrate on my studies and grad in 4 mths time (3) apply for new job when I get my masters. (4) leave if prof chew can get a job in the lab for me.

almighty big boss is putting a lot of pressure on my MD. she told him she wans to mark EVERYONE down cos of the past few weeks. MD tot its unfair and he held an autopsy of all studies in 2007 to justify the unit. actually…I dun think I fared badly wor. at least I ran double the amt of protocols compared to my partner. n I received praises for quite a few of them. one of the study team from US was so satisfied that they wrote a letter of praise all the way up to the almighty one lor. end up still get slammed. Sigh. during that meeting, big boss called to nag us again. den she asked us wat different approach we going to take for the study restart to make the study successful. I actually dig my own grave by promising to be around to jargar the nurses for all spiro timepoints -_- “ that means (1) coming in early on thurs/fri (2) spend time away from workstation = let work pile up (3) contact with subject. nx time I shall think think think b4 I speak. dumb dumb.

we had a session of training for the new machine today. not too bad. have played with the machine earlier these week. they cost a BOMB!!! MD came up to me in the afternoon and said this to me ‘CK, I wan u to learn all the things u can learn on spirometry. get ur hands on, attend every single training session. u can ask me if u dun understand. i wan u to be good in spirometry… better than that woman in UK. so good that everyone will be impress by u”. if u look at that from the positive pt of view (like pb)… u will feel that my MD wan to groom me to be a spiro sexpert cos our unit has been chosen to specialize in spiro studies. if i am trained in that area, all future spiro studies will be taken up by me. if u r negative like me… I see it as being make use of again. more responsibility without pay increment = cheated. and pb is v enthu in helping me restart the study. keep asking me abt purchasing this spare part, that spare part for the new machines. To be honest… i am really not keen into anything rite now. i just wan to lie low and pass my remaining few months in p*izer. i noe she is trying to push me on but I have totally lost interest in this place. the more support I receive, the more pressurize i am. Just leave me alone… i think that might help more.