my heart is aching when i am writing this blog. alot of things happened throughout the week and i feel that i am mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually drained at the moment. but i guess it was the godzilla vs LD issue that affected me most.

this issue had dragged on for nearly a year and i feel that its time everything come to an end. however, LD just refuse to move on even when she got slapped in the face. and it pains me to see her taking things the way she is taking it. i always hear her say 'move on!' but after a few hours, i hear godzilla's name again and it can be quite irritating. i guess by now i have totally given up on her. no matter how much i persuade her, no matter how much advice i gave her, she doesnt seem to be doing anything about her state right now. to me, she keeps turning round and round at the same spot and no matter how much support we gave her, she nv progress. and wat pissed me most is that she always take our frenship for granted. i am really v sian on EVERYTHING about her liao. and for the past few days, i think i have been giving her cold shoulder.

was suppose to go dinner with her tonite. but 2 of my kolics backed out in the end. and since she has done wat she plans to do during dinner with yz in the early morning, i see no purpose in attending the dinner outing. so i backed out as well.

i did not take the same route home today. instead, i walked all the way from RH to Little India mrt. during my walk, i did alot of reflections regarding my r/s with yz. i remembered wat my kolics told me and i recalled wat my close frens and best fren told me. the most significant words came from jc. i remembered he told me that if liking yz is such a painful and torturing process, he would rather i not like her. i reflected on the sentence over and over again. it was indeed painful, v painful for me to like her. having healed from a shattered heart for less than 2 years, it will take great courage for me to love someone again. i am scare of rejection. yes... and i think hock is right when he poke fun of me in the car the other day. he told PB to lock the window in my office in case i jumped out after kana rejection. it might be a joke, but den again, it made sense...i really fear getting another rejection...my ego is too big and my skin too thin. and all the cold water being poured onto me by my colleagues... it did made me think thrice about the whole thingy.

i cant behave normally in front of her and i duno why. but one thing i noe is i do like her. perhaps its fear that forced me to act this way? i dunno. my kolics asked me to drop her. i pretend that i did and i guess i must be pretty successful cos everyone of them feels that i am taking it well. they are wrong. i am bothered by this issue everyday. i think about this issue every moment when i am left idle and there are times when i am so scare to take the mrt home cos thats the moment when i will start thinking alot. it is really painful and i am afraid i cannot take it anymore. there is one nite when i laid on my bed and think 'if this is going to happen everytime i like someone, den i rather stay single for the rest of my life!'. i feel at this moment that i may be happier if i let go. and its better to put everything to an end before i develop deeper feelings for her.